My Daughter Realization Made Me Sad

This weekend, on Friday night, my daughter said something to me, so profound and sad.

It was bedtime, and often at bedtime, my kids  tell me of what is bothering them.  On this night, it was Maggie's turn.  Before walking up the stairs, she looked at me, so innocently, and said, "Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a singer.  But I don't think I can, because I am not skinny enough."

My daughter, Maggie, is 8 years old.

I quickly embraced Maggie and told her she can be anything and do anything.  She melted in my arms and started crying.  My heart was aching.  I hated this so much.  That she has these thoughts already.  That she might have challenges in her teen years, with her weight. That she cares what everyone thinks about her.  

At a young age,  my daughter is already aware of sex in the media.  She sees skinny girls on her TV programs on Disney and Nick.  She sees skinny women in advertisements.  Commercials.  It's everywhere;  the illusion that beautiful and sexy women are the ones that succeed in life.  I am proud to say that Maggie is a bright and intelligent little girl, and brains will get her places.  She is my beautiful daughter, inside and out, and I love her so much.  I wish I could protect her from every ill thought that she has and will have.  

I intend to talk to my daughter, and make sure she knows she's special and beautiful.  I want her to continue growing into a self-confident little girl.  She's amazing.  

That next morning, we were cuddling outside on our porch and Maggie looked at me and said, "I want to be so many things when I grow up.  I can't even decide."  Now, she wants to be an art teacher, a vet, and she wants to own a shoe store in London (not in Paris anymore, because she'll need to learn French).  She also said she still wants to be a singer and songwriter.  I just hope that she knows that she can truly be all of those things.

Quality of Life

"You need to think about Toga's quality of life now,"  I heard the vet tell me.  I fought back tears and heard my voice, brave and calm, as I asked Toga's vet many questions.

We were back at the vet's, since we noticed in a short time that Toga was urinating and drinking almost triple what he normally does.  He was having lots of accidents in our house, which was abnormal for him.  I knew diabetes was common in aging dogs, and he had all the symptoms.  An hour after being at our vet's, it was indeed confirmed he had diabetes.  Because of his already existing heart, liver and kidney issues, the vet was warning me about "something," since she kept talking about his quality of life. 

I quietly asked my two children to wait for me in the waiting room.  All of my courage and bravery left me, when the children left.  I looked at the vet, and I couldn't even muster the words.  I began crying profusely.  I was the saddest I've been in a long time, sitting in that vet's office, trying to hear her words.   Because Toga is already on a heart and liver medication, adding insulin may make him depressed, more sick...  "Are you telling me that Toga is on the decline?"  I asked the vet, through tears.

"Yes,  that's what I am telling you."

Oh boy.  I started crying again. 

She told me that I should have two jars:  A Good Day Jar and A Bad Day Jar.  At the end of each day, place a penny in the kind of day he had.  She said when Toga has more bad days than good days, then we will know. 

So, I sadly look at Toga these days, knowing that his days with us are numbered.  He has trouble breathing at times, and pants more.  He is still having many accidents in our house, and we go back tomorrow to the vet's so she can monitor his insulin levels.  We are starting to crate him when we leave the house; something we never did, even when he was a puppy. 

Last night while we were sleeping, Toga rested his head next to mine;  cheek to cheek.  While  he was sleeping, I felt his poor heart racing, trying to beat to a rhythm, but so out of control.  I petted his face, and he didn't even stir.  He was soundly sleeping.  I hope this was a good day for him. 

Yesterday, I pulled into our driveway and saw Toga laying on the front yard.  Once I pulled in, he chased my car down the driveway.  I thought to myself in that instant, "Thank  God."  Because if he didn't chase me down the driveway...  I can't even end that sentence.  Because he's so happy to see me, and if it gets to a point when he's not happy to see me, I know that he's so sick.... 

The last week has been hard.  I'm seeing my little buddy lose more and more of his spirit and energy.  I just hope he knows how much we all love and care for him.

16 Years

Tim and I, in London
The Abbey

Last weekend, I celebrated my 16th wedding anniversary with my husband, Tim.  It seems like yesterday when we first met in a dive establishment in my hometown.  I fell in love with Tim so fast and I knew he was the one.  Everyone says, "You just know," and I never understoodthat, until when I felt that with Tim.  "I knew" with Tim, that he was the one.  


Tim proposed to me almost a year after we met, and we were married six months later.  


In the sixteen years we have been  married, we have lived in four states and in a foreign country, we have had 2 children, have been through our share of ups and downs.  And through all the changes, Tim and I have remained committed to one another, even though we have had all these changes.


16 years is a long time.  It's the age of a young adult.  Someone who can drive.  Wow, there's days when I feel like I AM 16 years old!!   Where did all these years go?


I asked Tim on our anniversary, "Why do you love me."  And his answer was simple- "I just like hanging out with you."  I think after 16 years, you HAVE to enjoy hanging out with your spouse, because friendship is the foundation to any marriage.  We love hanging out with each other.  Tim is my best friend.  I would rather hang with him than anybody else, and that's why our marriage works.


This is what else I have learned about marriage:

• Marriage is about compromising.  Sometimes it's me compromising, and sometimes it's Tim.  
• Tim and I share the same belief about many things.  We have the same philosophy about parenting, money, and even interior design.  The only things we disagree about our where we want to vacation.  I prefer the beach and ocean, and he likes a quiet lake.  BUT, that's where we have to compromise.
• We never go to bed mad.  My grandmother gave me that advice, and it's the best advice.  
• A sense of humor.  Tim and I have lots of fun together.  We like to laugh with each other and with our kids.  
• Date night.  You really need to have alone time.  Once the kids came, we got so busy with them and their activities.  If you have happy parents, you'll have happy kids.  I have learned to put Tim and I first;  sometimes the kids need to take a backseat.  
• Marriage is about teamwork.  We both  help out around the house.  "Choreplay."
• Marriage is not always a fairy tale.  You go through rough times.  We were 26 and 25 when we got married.  We have both changed in those years, and we had to learn to apply our personal changes to our marriage.  Adapting to all the changes, and growing together as a couple is really important.   
• Kids can change a marriage.  When we had our first child, we had been married for  7 years.  It was a huge adjustment.  Learning our roles as husband-wife, and now as a mother-father to our children and what those new roles were took time.  
• Communication, communication.  You need to talk to  your spouse about your wants, needs and worries.  Tim is not a mind reader, but he's good at knowing when I am upset or worried about something.  He is a good listener, as I am with him too.  This year has been extremely challenging for us, with both of our work situations;  Tim working long hours, and me at a new school, but we always make it a priority to ask each other about our days.  It sounds so 1950's:  "How was your day, honey?"  But, it's good to talk about your day.  

I feel very lucky to still be in love with my husband.  I know so many people in the last couple of years who have gone through divorces.  Actually, the day of our anniversary, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced they were divorcing!  In my kindergarten classes each year, less than half of my kids live with both parents.  It's a sad reality.

If you were to ask me what my biggest accomplishments are in my life, at 41 years old, I would tell you that it's my family;  my husband of 16 years, and my 9 and 7 year old children.  These are my accomplishments, because marriage is work, and so is raising two children.  


One of my biggest complements I have received have to do with my marriage.    A teacher friend said to me, "I hope my husband and I are like you and Tim as we get older," (she's a younger teacher, and just married). I don't know if there's such a things as a "perfect marriage," because nothing in life is perfect.  I think a great marriage is deciding as a couple, how to deal with life's misfortunes.  


The night of our anniversary, we decided not to get a babysitter.  We celebrated with our children.  We went out to dinner at the restaurant where our wedding reception was.  After dinner, we took them to the upstairs room, where it was empty from any events.  The kids were excited to hear about our wedding stories. They had lots of questions about our big day.


16 years.  Where does the time go?  Here's to many more.

This blog entry is dedicated to my sister, who is getting married in September.  I'm so happy for you during this special time of planning your wedding.  You have found your man of your dreams.  Here's to many years of compromising and communicating!!!  

  

Summer Vacation

Summer is here...

Last week, I said goodbye to my 18 kindergarten students.  Every last week of school is difficult for me.  I have a hard time with goodbyes.  My class performed a class musical for their parents last week, and after their performance, I had waves of frogs in my throat, and at one time, I had to stop talking, or a burst of tears would had exploded.  It's always hard to say goodbye and let these little ones go.  It takes a year to create a loving community of learners, where we are like a family.  And every September, when I get new students, I have to start all over again.  It's hard to let go...

But with the last days of school and those bittersweet goodbyes, come long days of unstructured days with my own two children that I absolutely adore.  I love that I can devote all my days to them during these months.  Riley will be doing a morning camp in our town, and Maggie is on a swim team.  We have a vacation to Lake Champlain coming up, and another long weekend trip to the coast.  Today, Riley made a list of day trips he wants to go on. Waterslide World, Great Escape, and zip lining in the Adirondacks is on his list.   Maggie is excited about all the playdates she'll have and the sleepovers.  We'll begin our summer vacations with pedicures and girl outings.  

Summer when I was little...

When I was younger, I have fond memories of kickball games, ball tag, playing Pickle in my front yard, and playing hide and seek on bikes in my neighborhood.  We would ride our bikes to the country store and many times, our parents did not know where we were.  We were just told to come home at dinner.  How did things in today's world change?  

Since their last day of school on Friday, I have been observing my children.  Maggie, who is very social and loves her social life, has already had two playdates since Friday.  She was unsuccessful in finding a friend to play with today (no one was home).  Today, she spent the day in her room playing Barbies, or on our computer or the I-Pad.  

Riley, spends his days on his computer.  Today,  he is publishing and writing his own neighborhood newspaper, and is is organizing a spelling bee, which will occur in our backyard next week.  He is completely happy doing little projects, and they often involve his computer.  I found myself getting upset with Riley today, and all the time he is spending on his computer or with his I-Pod.  "When I was  your age, I was BLAH, BLAH, BLAH."  Did I just sound like my mom there?  But seriously, we didn't have all this technology.  We spent all of our waking hours outdoors playing and riding our bike.  Today Riley said to me, "It's boring to just ride your bike up and down the road."  Is this unfair of me, to expect my son to be like me when I was 9 or 10, and to play outdoors?  Maybe if we had technology in the late 70's/early 80's, I would be like Riley.  Instead of playing "Charlie's Angels" in my backyard, I would be designing my own webgame or website, devoted to my favorite TV show from back then.  

So, as excited I am for the unstructured days of summer, and all the fun activities I will have planned with my children, I also know that I need to "put the smackdown" on the computer (that's what I called it today).  Because after all, summer is all about not having structure.  I can't be entertaining them 24/7 with structured activities, so I want them to be imaginative, creative and physical.  I want them to enjoy running until they are out of breath, playing a competitive game with neighbors, or reading a good book.  Sitting in front of TV, the computer, or the I-Pad drives me nuts.  I love when I tell  my kids to go outside and play, they bring an I-Pad out on our porch and play a game.  That really drives me over the edge.

I'm wondering if I need to get with the times, and embrace all this technology.  

My kindergarten students have an hour of computer lab each week.  With the Common Core Standards being implemented next school year, our students need to be more computer literate.  They are expected to use the computer to publish their writing, even at the kindergarten level.

Maybe I need the "smackdown."  After all, I don't know my cell phone number or even where that phone is half the time, and when I do find it, it needs to be charged.  I have never sent a text.  

So, this summer, I will have to try to understand this technology, give my children some time with it, but I also want them to experience a summer that represents simple times before technology emerged.  Are those days of simpler times gone?

Is 41 still Forty and Fabulous?

This past week, I didn't feel so "40 and Fabulous..."  I'm beginning to think I need to change the name of my cheesy blog name.

It started on Thursday.  I had made two appointments for the afternoon.  The first one was to see a gastroenterlogy doctor.  The second was to get my haircut and colored at an upscale salon that I won at a fundraiser event.

I was first diagnosed with Celiac Disease about 7 years ago, and it was determined that I was allergic to wheat and gluten.  My life drastically changed from that point on.  Since I have never been on any type of diet my whole life, it was a big life change for me.  I would always tell my friends that I could never be on any type of carb or Akins Diet, since I eat pasta and bread daily.  So, this was really sucky.  After I was officially diagnosed, I cried for days.  I joined a support group for people with Celiac Disease and cried there too.  It was really hard.

Seven years ago when you got diagnosed with Celiac Disease, many people and even doctors didn't even know what to do with someone like me.  I went to the primary doctor that I had at the time, and told him I wanted him to test me for Celiac.  I told him of my symptoms, and he went ahead with the blood test, but told me at the time that he didn't think I had it.  When the test came back borderline, I had to get an endoscopy, which is then they take pictures of your small intestines.  It was then that I was diagnosed, and my primary doctor was again, surprised.  The gastroenterolist I went to told me I have Celiac Disease, and that was about that.  I found that I had to educate myself about my disease, and was really given no guidance.  I found the support group to be very valuable, and Dr. Peter Green, in New York City, mailed me a little book.  In it, were products that were gluten-free.  At this time, the labeling law was not yet in effect, so I had to educate myself on what ingredients could be wheat or gluten.  For example, I never bought anything with "Natural Flavorings," because natural flavorings could have flour in it.  It was so frustrating and it take me months to figure out.  Grocery shopping was stressful.  Eating was no longer fun.  And going out to eat was torture. 

Years later, the labeling law became in effect.  At the bottom of the ingredient list, it will now list if a product contains milk, wheat, eggs or nuts.  I still have to read carefully, because gluten is not included, but it helps a lot.

So, after I became diagnosed, I was finding that my yearly visit to my gastroenterlogist was a waste of time.  I went one year after, and I sat in his office, and he asked me a bunch of questions.  I found that I knew more about Celiac Disease than my doctor.  It was a waste of time and money to go back.  That was 6 years ago.

Now, years after having Celiac, and wondering what it has done to  my body all these years (I believe I have been Celiac since late high school, but was diagnosed with IBS), I made an appointment to see another gastroenterlogist.  This doctor was friendly, knowledgeable, and listened and answered all my questions.  After leaving, I have appointments for a Bone Density Test, a colonoscopy, a endoscopy, and some sort of test on my bowels.  All because I'm over 40.  Yup, because I'm 40 and Fabulous. 

Since I took the afternoon from work off to go to this appointment, I made a hair appointment for 4:00 at an upscale salon that I have never been to.  I won a raffle for a hair cut at this salon, and decided to get my hair colored too.  I'm starting to get lots of gray.  She cut my hair (was an inch really that much, ouch, I should had said half an inch, ooops...) and when she was all done with the hair cut and coloring, she remarked that my grays were not matching to the color.  Basically she said that my grays are hard to color.  Now, I don't know if she just said that because she made a mistake, because I'm thinking all hair colors should cover the gray.  She told me the next time I come to her, she would use this other type of color on me, because THAT would work.  So, my hair is a lighter version of my natural color, but all the gray is still showing.  Because I'm 40 and fabulous and my grays are resilient.  I still have to investigate this, since I don't really believe that any type of color can't color the grays.  Since Thursday, I have been looking at all older people that color their hair, and all their hair is gray-free.  Is there such a thing as grays not being able to color??  I don't think I'll be going back to this hairdresser-  She's a drive away anyway, not anything local.

So, am I still Forty and Fabulous??  My colon and bowels are a mess, and my gray hair supposedly can't be colored.  Yup, not feeling so fabulous this week.

Friends Who Inspire

Last weekend, I went to Happenstance, a vintage, jewerly, art and furniture shop in the Art District in Saratoga Springs.  I have been dying to go, since looking at the pictures on Facebook of all Lorine's projects.  Lorine is the owner of the shop.  She is one of the most creative, free spirits I have met in a long time.  Walking into her cozy shop and seeing all of her projects was so awe inspiring.  Lorine finds old pieces of furniture, and re-creates these pieces.  Gracing the floors of her shop were  many benches with colorful fabrics, cabinets, and even a gossip chair.  I left her shop, purchasing a new bench for my newly remodeled living room, a creative wall planter that is hanging on  my outside fence, earrings, and a handmade fabric crayone holder t hat I bought my daughter, who was patiently waiting for me as I chatted with Lorine, and talking to myself about what I wanted to buy.  I drove  home, inspired by her bravery to do what she loves to do.  She had a vibrant energy, while showing me all of her projects.  She is at peace and happy with what she is doing.  That's inspiring.

I'm inspired by other friends:  Joanna, who owns Lipstick and Lashes, an award-winning make-up studio, that also includes a hair salon.  I visit Joanna's shop to get my kids their hair cut, my eyebrows waxing, and soon, my sister's wedding (we have Joanna doing our make-up)  She took a risk several years ago, by opening up her own business.  She is my hero too.  She is one of the sweetest people I know.

My friend, Meaghan and her husband, Kevin, own and operate The Whistling Tea Kettle.  It is one of the most beloved restaurants in the area, and it's just a good place to relax and eat.  I love that I have watched their business soar to the sky since they first opened up when I first met them.  And, I also love that they work hard on their gluten-free menu and sometimes I get to be their taster for new products!!   It's a special place.  An unique place.  One that Meaghan and Kevin envisoned, and through hard work, their restaurant has become a major destination to our small village. 

All of these friends really inspire me.  They are brave, creative, strong, smart women.  Someday, I hope to follow in their footsteps, and release this creative, business-side part of me.  We all have some passions and talents that we enjoy doing, but when do we just say to ourselves, "OK, it's time to do this now."  Time to follow our dreams?  These friends of mine are NOW people- they acted on their dreams and just did it.  It wasn't easy, and while it might had taken years for them to decide to be NOW decision makers, they got to a point in their lives where NOW would be NOW.  I love that about them all.

33 years old

In our first home, in Vancouver

In today Sunday's  Times Union, there's an article about how, at the age of 33, it is supposed to be the best year of your life.  There's even a study to back it up.  So, it made me think of when I was 33 years old, was I thinking that?

At 33, I was married with a one year old.  We were living in Vancouver, Washington, very happy and content.  I turned 33 in October, and so 33 started off in a happy, "on the right track" sort of way.  In November of that year, we were faced with another major life decision.  My husband Tim was facing lay-offs at his semi-conductor plant, and the field was going through a major recession in 2003.  It was around this time that Tim decided to look for another job.  It was also at this time that I was looking at leaving the classroom, and pursuing a Reading Recovery job.  My friend Jen was also pursuing the same job in my district, and we thought it would be fun to go through the classes.  It is a very rigorous training, and our district actually trained teachers.  I decided to apply for one of the few Reading Recovery positions, and had an interview right around November.  It was a dream job;  I would be learning how to teach Reading to kids in this very specific way.

In front of our Vancouver home

In December, I remember going to my work Christmas party.  One of the teachers I worked with owned a pub with her husband, and the party was at this very informal and fun townie bar.  I remember dancing and drinking.  Another one of my teacher friend's noticed I was drinking and said, "Oh, you're not pregnant."  "Nope," I yelled back, as I probably was on my 5th drink.  I remember we left our son, Riley, with a babysitter that night.  It was the first time we left him with a teenage babysitter, and not my friend Cindy.



Well, later that month, I found out I WAS pregnant, so I WAS drinking and pregnant.  I became pregnant with Maggie at 33.

Around January, Tim and I decided that if I was offered the Reading Recovery job, we would stay in Vancouver.  Tim was interviewing for a job in our hometown, and our interviews were days apart.  Days apart, we were both offered new jobs.  I decided that we should move back to New York.  It was a major decision.  We were both very happy living in the Pacific Northwest.  But with Riley and another baby on the way, I thought living near family was more important, and Tim really wanted to move back to Saratoga.  At the time, I thought I had to follow what my husband wanted, and his job career, since he was the breadwinner.  Many times, I often wonder how life would had gone, if we didn't move.  It's hard not to look in the past, so I try not to.  But, I miss my colleagues and my old district- It was the best place to work.

I hated our furniture in that apartment- we were always on the floor

So, we moved in February, during the February break.  It was very stressful.

We found an apartment to rent in downtown Saratoga while we were shopping for a house.  The apartment was furnished, and it was the most uncomfortable furniture, considering I was pregnant.  But I loved walking the streets in downtown and getting to know my hometown once again.

Living near family and old friends was an adjustment.  I had been away for almost six years, and in these years, I changed a lot.  It really was a struggle for me to feel at home.  The saying, "Once you move away, you can't come back," held true for me.  I felt like I didn't belong.  I went through some depression and bad moods.

Before we moved to New York, we had booked a Mexican cruise in Western Mexico.  In April, we left Riley at my parent's, and flew to California to board our cruise.  It was a lot of traveling, a lot of time zones.  And I was almost 6 months pregnant (not planned to be pregnant on this trip).  I remember sleeping a lot on that cruise.  I felt so relaxed with Tim, and when I returned, I felt a lot better about life.

In April, we finally bought the house we are living in now:  a 1906 Victorian house in the village of Ballston Spa.  It was a total fixer upper.  Now, 8 years later, our house is finally received many of the renovations that we planned.  Tim has been working so hard in making our house what it is today.

Our house, before we bought it.  Looks so different!

Tim and Toga at our house, before move-in

Tim was working a swingshift at this time, and during all of his free time and weekends, he was traveling to the house to fix it up.  We were still renting our apartment until the end of July, so Tim could get the house ready.  Those first couple of months, he worked on painting, taking wall paper off, ripping carpet, redoing the wooden floors, and getting new carpet upstairs.  He did a lot of work.  It was hard for me, because he was never with us.  I felt like a single mom.  And, I was HUGE.  Maggie's due date was August 13th, and I was going to have a C-section, since the doctors estimated her to be 12 pounds.  I remember not being able to move or walk because I was so  huge.  And Riley was turning 2, and was active.

We finally moved into our house weeks before Maggie was born.  It was a relief  to have our furniture from our old house.

Maggie was born on Friday, August 13th at 9 pounds, 13ounces.  I remember feeling so much love and so relaxed being her mom.  With  Riley, I was nervous and never sure of what I was doing.

Maggie, a couple days old.

In our new house, weeks after Maggie's birth

Shortly after Maggie's birth, my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Shortly after that, my Grandma was diagnosed with colon cancer.  And then I turned 34.

So, I have to say, that 33 was an important year, since it marks the year I moved back to New York and when Maggie was born.  Was it my best year?  No.

My favorite years would have to be any of my college  years.  Life was so easy then.  Sure, I made the dumbest choices and wasn't too bright about decisions, but I grew confident in college and made lots of friends.  Life was good.

I also liked when I was 30.  We just moved to Portland, Oregon, and we had an apartment in downtown Portland.  I loved walking the streets of Portland, discovering the districts and being a city girl.

And of course, I loved 40, since I was living in Europe and discovered the world, myself and we grew tight as a family.

I can't say that any age I went through was bad...I think all the "bad" things that have happened to me have made me who I am today.  I appreciate things more.  I am wiser.

Age 33...hmmm.....can't say it was.  But it was an important year.

Riley, right before his 2nd birthday.