I'm Trying So Hard Not to Hate Skiing

This is my second winter of ski lessons.  Big improvements...Last year when skiing down the Bunny Hop, I screamed  my way down, yelling at the little ones to "WATCH OUT!"  Now, in my 2nd year of skiing, I can control my screaming rants, but instead of them physically coming out of my mouth, these rants are now in my head.

It goes something like this:  OH MY GOD, I'M GOING SO FAST, QUICK MAKE A TURN, WHOA, REMEMBER TO PUT YOUR POLES BACK, TAKE A BREAK UP AHEAD.  I NEED TO CATCH MY BREATH, OK, LET'S GO DOWN THIS BIG PART, WHOA, OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TO DIE!!!

And of course, this is all happening on the Bunny Hop , because I am too scared to graduate to the next slope, which would be "Joe's Special."

Three weeks ago, I had a panic attack while skiing down the Bunny Hop.  This year for my lessons, I decided I wanted to ski with my friends  Julie and Michelle.  I know they are better skiers than me, but I was hoping to be influenced by them.  In my ski lesson group, I am probably the worst skier.  But three weeks ago, I felt like I was holding back my group, since our instructor had to take time to coach me.  I don't really think any of the other skiers even cared, but I was so self-conscience of this.  By the second run down the hill, I was experiencing with panic.  I don't know if it was an actual panic attack, but I knew I had to stop skiing.  I announced to my group that I was going to take a break, I skied back to the lodge, and handed over my rental skis and boots, and decided in two seconds, that it wasn't going to be a break, but I was quitting for the day.  I felt defeated, but relieved I was off the mountain.

Some people are afraid of heights or small spaces.  I think I've discovered that I'm afraid of going down a mountain at a high speed.  Actually, I might even be afraid of mountains.  When we lived in Europe, and we drove from Germany to Italy, driving through the Alps, I was awestruck by the beauty.  But the higher and higher we got, I started to freak a little.  First of all, the highways in Europe are so narrow.  And as we were, what seemed to me, driving on top of the Alps, on these narrow highways, on these little narrow bridges, I thought we were going to fall off the cliff at least 100 times.  But the time we reached Venice, Italy, I was relieved to be on land, and it didn't even matter that the land was a floating city in the sea!   And as we walked to our water taxi, I wondered why my hips hurt.  And it dawned on me that I was literally moving my body as we drove on those narrow highways, with all the twists and turns;  every time our car turned, I think  I turned my whole body.  I was so tense for at least 2 hours of our drive.  So, I really am not afraid of heights.  It's when I'm around a mountain, and twisting and turning around it;  whether it's skiing or driving around one.  And having all that speed, while turning, freaks me out.

So, here I am, almost at the end of my 2nd year of ski.  It is Winter Break and I asked my kids what they wanted to do.  They both want to ski at the mountain we take lessons at. So today, I will conquer my fears and step onto the Bunny Hop; the first time since I excused myself 3 weeks ago because I had to take a break.

There was one week of ski when I told Michelle that skiing felt easy that day, and when I skied I heard birds singing and Walt Disney music.  She laughed and thought I was funny, but she doesn't know about my internal rants.  To  hear birds singing was a big thing for me.  I think the birds were singing in my mind, because it was a slow day on the mountain, so the paths suddenly became wider.  Hmm, maybe I'm just afraid of narrow paths around mountains?

I'm hoping that today isn't busy on the Bunny Slope and that I can hold it together for my kids.

It's Only a Year

Roughly about 2 months ago, my husband's old boss from Germany called and asked  him if he was interested in applying for a position in Dresden, Germany, where we were expats about two years ago.

We were excited, but overwhelmed.  We wanted to do it but there was so much to think about.   You see, this time, it is a permanent position.  Last time, we knew it was only for a year.  (And it ended up being a year to the date- July 2, 2010-July 2, 2011)

When something is only for a year, you think to yourself  I can do anything for a year.  And that was precisely my attitude when I was living in Germany.  Those days when I thought the German people were mean.  It's only a year.  The handful of times I accidentally ate nuts, which I am allergic to, all because I couldn't read the food label.  It's only a year.  When I couldn't communicate and speak German in semi-emergency situations (emergency room visits, lost my locker key to the pool, calling doctor's offices, talking to pharmacists about dosage and directions to medicine, when the cable man came to set it up...this list could go on forever...It's only a year.  "It's only a year" was my philosophy.  It got me through those stressful days that only living in a foreign country could give you.  I realized that once I passed the 6 months time, I was finding  myself say "We only have 6 months left."  Then, "Only 3 months left."  Then, it was an urgency to do everything, to get it all in.  I visited Dresden's museums, we booked a vacation each month.  I wanted to go to Paris;  my husband didn't.  So, I went by myself with the kids.  I wanted to go to Spain-  where in Spain, I didn't know.  I made friends with an English-speaking travel agent, and she found me a deal in Malaga, Spain, a city right on the Mediterranean.  My agent friend also found me in a deal in Vienna, and both these trips I went with just the kids, since Tim was busy at work.  I became obsessed with traveling and seeing everything I could before my year was over.  Now, there was a deadline.  Even one of the moms at the international school called me crazy.  All the German moms couldn't wait to hear where I was going next.  Apparently, I was traveling and seeing more of Europe than most of them, and they lived in Europe their whole lives.  They found me amusing.  

This time, if we decide to move back to Germany, there is no end date.   This kind of scares me, since that year deadline gave me comfort, and after we were halfway through, it gave me an urgency to do things I never in my wildest dreams thought I would do.  Like fly to Paris, France with two kids (by myself), and find my way from the airport to the train, to the subway that would take us to our hotel.  I became this strong, brave lady, and I haven't felt that way since.  When I was in Spain, Paris and Vienna, I walked around those cities with all my guidebooks and maps and I was determined to show my kids every single thing these cities had.  

I am NOT fluent in German, and barely got by with the German I know.  If I have a bad day, what will get me through it?  Will the brave European I was, return?  Oh how I miss that brave lady!

My kids in Vienna, overlooking the Danube River.  

My husband travels to Dresden, Germany tomorrow.  He is getting some sort of training, but while out there, he is meeting with his future boss' boss, and some Human Resources people.  Tim said Yes to the position about 3 weeks ago, and we are still awaiting the relocation package and contract.  The company is still getting it put together.  My husband seems to think that many many people need to put their OK stamp on this.

The next week will, I hope, bring us some answers to our future.  Are we moving back to Germany?  Are we staying in New  York?  What are we doing with our house?  Our cars?  Our things in our house- will everything be shipped?  Will I be able to take a leave from my job as a teacher?  

It's only a week.

Yes, I Have a Job

After having ten whole days off for the Christmas vacation, I had to go to work today.  Yes, it was hard to do.  Yes, it was hard to wake up.  Once at school, I had to get in my "kindergarten teacher world."  I knew my students would be coming in this morning, with lots of stories about what Santa left them all.  I had to get in my Kindergarten Teacher World, be full of smiles.  Of course, I smile all the time naturally.  But when it's the first day back after a long break, sometimes I have to train myself all over again on how one acts when they are a kindergarten teacher.


For some reason over the vacation, I slept a lot.  I would wake up most days around 10 AM, and some days around 1, I would get tired again, and sleep AGAIN!  On New Year's Day, I actually woke myself  up at 11:00.  So as you can imagine, waking up at 6 AM (and my two own children) this morning was  not all rainbows.  It was actually kind of stormy, with lots of grumpiness.

Not just anyone can be a kindergarten teacher.  You have to be the most patient, most "OH WOW!" or "Great job," and say it with the most upbeat tempo, like how one would talk to a dog or a cat.  Everything in a kindergarten teacher's world is rainbows and peace signs.  We have to spread the love.  So, ten days away from the rainbows and peace signs, I have to slowly get myself back in that, "Good morning  boys and girls.  What did Santa bring you?"  As all 16 of my children talk to me at once, I am still spreading the peace and rainbows, and say sweetly, "WOW!"


Teaching kindergarten really keeps me balanced on what is really important in life:  sharing and having fun.  These students that I get each year are like a family to me.  It's hard to believe that I have had 18 of these little families.   And if I have about 20 students in each class (and for 2 years, I taught a morning and afternoon class) so how many students have I spent a considerable amount of time with?  Roughly 400 students!!  I sit here amazed at that!

So, today I ended my Christmas vacation, and talked about presents, staying up late for New Year's and we even wrote resolutions.  One of my little kids today wrote that his resolution was that he will always say yes to me;  It was very cute.

My students wanted to know what my resolution was.  I told them it was to continue to run and write.  My kids thought the running part was funny.  "Well, how many times do you see a grown-up running on a playground and playing?  Grown-ups don't really do that, so to get exercise, we have to go to a gym or run."  Ben, a curious little boy says, "Mrs. Walz, all you have to do is just play on the playground.  Why don't grown ups just play with us."

I know, Ben.  We should.  That Ben is very smart.
Happy  New Year everyone, and hope you all had a wonderful Christmas vacation and soft landings into your work this morning!

One Year Later

                     

Dear Blog,

It's been one year since I declared to the Blog World, that I would begin a writing adventure with an on-line audience.  In the beginning, it was kind of weird to write, because I didn't really know who my audience was.  But after writing on this blog for one year, I can proudly say that I write from the heart. I participated in the  Slice of Life writing challenge, which I wrote on this blog everyday in the month of March.  It was actually difficult to do;  writing about this exciting life of mine and making it relevant and interesting for all of you, but I simply wrote about the simple things, and those little happenings of each day.

I love to write, and wrote a lot when I lived in Germany.  One of the reasons why I want to return to an expat life, is because I'll have time to write.   And, I'll have some interesting topics to write about again.  All the traveling, all the little mishaps that happen when you are trying to survive in a foreign country...Yes, I hope to return to write more about this world that I had to leave so abruptly.  (Well, we knew we were moving back to the USA after living in Germany for one year, but it just came to a halt and I wasn't ready to return here to the States).

I hope all of you make New Year's resolutions that you can achieve.  My goal for 2012 was to write.  I wish I wrote more, so this year, my goal is to write at least once a week.  Maybe like a weekly column.  And if we DO move to Germany, I will promise myself to write each day.

This year's other resolution:  I hope to keep up running.  Running was something I pleasantly discovered that I enjoyed; or maybe it's a love/hate thing.  I hate when I am in the middle of running and can't wait until it's all over...the constant talking to myself in my head "You can do it.  Just listen to the music and run to the beat.  Oh, there's my neighbor...keep running so she thinks you're working hard and she'll be impressed.  OK, is she really impressed?  You run like a weirdo.  Oh, why is this song on my i-pod???  I have to get this song off- it's starting to annoy me.  Next song... OK, better.  Breathe, Breathe...    OK, so that's myself talking to myself while running.  It's all pretty comical in my head.  And then there's a 3rd personality within me that just laughs at everything Pathetic Me and Running Me say back and forth.  But truly, there's nothing like the feeling after a run.  When everything negative and toxic has been drenched and wrung out, and a clear and healthy mind wait for me, as I cool down and catch my breath;  and later, take a shower.  I imagine all the sweat as the toxic that leaves my body...  I have become addicted to running in a way, and my relationship to running, I guess, can be compared to that of my relationship to writing.  I am always striving to do better, and to not quit.  And when I write, the toxic energy sometimes is released to the paper.  

Dresden, Germany.  Where I lived for one year.  I loved how the buildings seamlessly flow together.  This is  Dresden's main square, where I enjoyed a drink every now and then.  Oh, missing the cafe life, too!

Happy New Year, and I hope all of you have a couple resolutions that you actually look forward to achieving.

2012

2012 is almost over, and what kind of year did we all have?

For me, personally, it was a year of transitions and adjustments.  With a new job, I was faced with lots of difficulties and obstacles with co-workers, and I had to learn to work with people that are different than me;  very strong personalities.   It was a year of frustration, and having to endure with these "setbacks" and having to settle.  After applying for a teaching position at my former school, I was told that Human Resources lost my transfer request, and my request to move schools was denied.  It was such a disappointment for me, since I was having these issues at my new school, and looked at this as my "way out;"  the light at the end of the tunnel.  Always trying to stay positive, I found myself being upset a lot.  It took a long time to find peace with this decision,  or with this HR mistake...Currently, I am in my 2nd year at this new school, and the environment is a lot different for me and I'm making it work.

2012 was also the year of my migraine headaches.  I am so grateful for a neurologist that I see in Clifton Park.  I am now on a preventative pill, and my headaches are much more under control.  What triggers them?  I honestly think it was the stress from work last year.  I am fortunate, because as I write this, my principal is putting in special filter lights in my classroom, to help decrease my migraines (I had to leave school one day this year because I lost vision, then a migraine came on).  I still get them, but not at all in frequency.

2012 was the year I became a runner.  My friend asked me to run a 5 K with her in the Fall, so I decided to give it a try.  I started running seriously in  July, and by September, I was running my first 5K.  I felt so healthy and alive, and I found myself being addicted to running.  Now, however, with winter here and a foot of snow on the ground, I haven't been able to run.  I'm debating on trying to get a treadmill.  I feel so much better, physically and mentally, after running.  It releases so much negative out of me.

2012 was a year of change for my children.  Riley was elected the student council president at his school.  He also raised just over $3,500 for St. Baldrick's, which helps fund research for childhood cancers.  Maggie has become a swimmer and is on a swim team.   She is becoming a very independent and strong 8-year old, and I'm so blessed to have my two children, because they are perfect in every way.

2012 was a year of family reunions.  Tim's parents drove in their RV from Washington State to visit us for 10 days.  Then shortly after, my sister got married, and my mom's side of the family were all in town;  the first time since my Grandmother's death.

2012 also brought a decline in our dog Toga's health.  He now has diabetes, liver problems and heart problems.  He's currently on 3 different medications, and he is declining...It's been a sad sad couple of months, but our vet has convinced us that Toga is a "Miracle Dog," and he is surpassing all her expectations (she had suggested we put him down in September).  Because we knew Toga was on the decline, we decided to rescue a dog named Guppy.  Guppy is a French Bulldog/Boston Terrier mix and he's between 4 and 5 years old.  We brought him home in August, and he is slowly becoming an integral member of our house.  In the beginning, he had many issues (peeing everywhere, bitting issues), but now I'm happy to say that I think Guppy is slowly learning and he is honestly a good dog..now.  Toga will be approaching his 13th birthday this Spring.  I know in 2013, it may be Toga's last year with us...This will be very hard for all of us.  But we are lucky to have this time with him now.

2012 also brought back thoughts to Germany.  My husband is currently applying for a position back in Germany.  We will know soon if we are indeed moving again.  This time, it will be more permanent, and there would not be an end date.  I do miss Europe, and all that it offers.  I find myself bored here a lot.  I get upset at how small my world seems to be again, living in the US.  I want to think more globally again, and I miss walking in squares and plazas, that are filled with history and amazing architecture.  If we are to move, it would be soon.  It would be in February.  So, if this does happen, we will start the beginning of 2013 with having the task of selling our house, and trying to figure out what items to permanently keep, and which ones to sell.  Last time we moved to Germany, our friend Kellie lived in our house, since it was only for a year.  We rented a furnished apartment, so we did not have to ship large items abroad.  It is a daunting task, and one that we are unsure about as of now.

So, I'm ending this blog on a good note.  A note that we could be once again, be living in Germany and part of the European culture again.  It is a time of feeling excitement and uncertainty..This kind of decision will be a difficult one to make;  if Tim is even offered the position...But this ex-expat could once again be an expat...We will have to see what 2013 will bring.

What To Do?

I wouldn't have this blog devoted to being an ex expat, if I didn't totally love the life I had overseas.  So when my husband came home last week from work, and told me his old boss from Germany contacted him, with information on a job position that she thought Tim would be perfect for, discussions once again were revisited, on our decision to move to Germany.  But this time, not on an expat package, but a German contract.

I feel in love with Europe and all of its charm.  And now to be given another chance to live there is a dream come true.  Or is it?  I'm trying to decide.  When we made the decision to move there a year and a half ago, we knew there was a time limit.  We would be living there for one year.  This time around, it could be a forever thing.

Tonight, we talk to our kids about all of this, and we will make a decision as a family.  It's exciting, but scary.

These are the things I worry about:

1. I won't be near family or my friends that live here.
2. What do we do with our house?  Last time, we had our friend live here, because we knew we were coming back.  This time around, we have no idea when we are coming back.  Can I say goodbye to our house?
3. We have an aging dog, that is on 3 medications.  Can he handle the trip back to Germany?
4. Is the Dresden International School going to cut it?  When I was there, I saw lots of pros, but lots of cons too, as a school for my children.  Will my kids be stable and happy throughout this?
5. Will I be happy?  Many of the friends I had there, are living here in NY.  I still have some contacts in Dresden...I know I make friends easily, so maybe this will be fine?
6. Do I want to work at the international school?
7. Can I handle the language gap?  I know I will never speak German fluently, and this bothers me. I hated not having a newspaper to read, or reading signs- all over the place.  How will this impact me?
8. I find comfort that I can speak to my doctors here, and they understand me.  It's always hard to visit the doctors in Dresden.  Will I be able to get migraine medication?  Last time, I brought so much medicine with me.  But now I am on a preventative medication- what if they don't approve of the medicine I have been prescribed?  It is really hard to get prescriptions in Germany...

This is the biggest decision that we will  have to make...

My Daughter Realization Made Me Sad

This weekend, on Friday night, my daughter said something to me, so profound and sad.

It was bedtime, and often at bedtime, my kids  tell me of what is bothering them.  On this night, it was Maggie's turn.  Before walking up the stairs, she looked at me, so innocently, and said, "Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a singer.  But I don't think I can, because I am not skinny enough."

My daughter, Maggie, is 8 years old.

I quickly embraced Maggie and told her she can be anything and do anything.  She melted in my arms and started crying.  My heart was aching.  I hated this so much.  That she has these thoughts already.  That she might have challenges in her teen years, with her weight. That she cares what everyone thinks about her.  

At a young age,  my daughter is already aware of sex in the media.  She sees skinny girls on her TV programs on Disney and Nick.  She sees skinny women in advertisements.  Commercials.  It's everywhere;  the illusion that beautiful and sexy women are the ones that succeed in life.  I am proud to say that Maggie is a bright and intelligent little girl, and brains will get her places.  She is my beautiful daughter, inside and out, and I love her so much.  I wish I could protect her from every ill thought that she has and will have.  

I intend to talk to my daughter, and make sure she knows she's special and beautiful.  I want her to continue growing into a self-confident little girl.  She's amazing.  

That next morning, we were cuddling outside on our porch and Maggie looked at me and said, "I want to be so many things when I grow up.  I can't even decide."  Now, she wants to be an art teacher, a vet, and she wants to own a shoe store in London (not in Paris anymore, because she'll need to learn French).  She also said she still wants to be a singer and songwriter.  I just hope that she knows that she can truly be all of those things.