Yes, I Have a Job

After having ten whole days off for the Christmas vacation, I had to go to work today.  Yes, it was hard to do.  Yes, it was hard to wake up.  Once at school, I had to get in my "kindergarten teacher world."  I knew my students would be coming in this morning, with lots of stories about what Santa left them all.  I had to get in my Kindergarten Teacher World, be full of smiles.  Of course, I smile all the time naturally.  But when it's the first day back after a long break, sometimes I have to train myself all over again on how one acts when they are a kindergarten teacher.


For some reason over the vacation, I slept a lot.  I would wake up most days around 10 AM, and some days around 1, I would get tired again, and sleep AGAIN!  On New Year's Day, I actually woke myself  up at 11:00.  So as you can imagine, waking up at 6 AM (and my two own children) this morning was  not all rainbows.  It was actually kind of stormy, with lots of grumpiness.

Not just anyone can be a kindergarten teacher.  You have to be the most patient, most "OH WOW!" or "Great job," and say it with the most upbeat tempo, like how one would talk to a dog or a cat.  Everything in a kindergarten teacher's world is rainbows and peace signs.  We have to spread the love.  So, ten days away from the rainbows and peace signs, I have to slowly get myself back in that, "Good morning  boys and girls.  What did Santa bring you?"  As all 16 of my children talk to me at once, I am still spreading the peace and rainbows, and say sweetly, "WOW!"


Teaching kindergarten really keeps me balanced on what is really important in life:  sharing and having fun.  These students that I get each year are like a family to me.  It's hard to believe that I have had 18 of these little families.   And if I have about 20 students in each class (and for 2 years, I taught a morning and afternoon class) so how many students have I spent a considerable amount of time with?  Roughly 400 students!!  I sit here amazed at that!

So, today I ended my Christmas vacation, and talked about presents, staying up late for New Year's and we even wrote resolutions.  One of my little kids today wrote that his resolution was that he will always say yes to me;  It was very cute.

My students wanted to know what my resolution was.  I told them it was to continue to run and write.  My kids thought the running part was funny.  "Well, how many times do you see a grown-up running on a playground and playing?  Grown-ups don't really do that, so to get exercise, we have to go to a gym or run."  Ben, a curious little boy says, "Mrs. Walz, all you have to do is just play on the playground.  Why don't grown ups just play with us."

I know, Ben.  We should.  That Ben is very smart.
Happy  New Year everyone, and hope you all had a wonderful Christmas vacation and soft landings into your work this morning!

One Year Later

                     

Dear Blog,

It's been one year since I declared to the Blog World, that I would begin a writing adventure with an on-line audience.  In the beginning, it was kind of weird to write, because I didn't really know who my audience was.  But after writing on this blog for one year, I can proudly say that I write from the heart. I participated in the  Slice of Life writing challenge, which I wrote on this blog everyday in the month of March.  It was actually difficult to do;  writing about this exciting life of mine and making it relevant and interesting for all of you, but I simply wrote about the simple things, and those little happenings of each day.

I love to write, and wrote a lot when I lived in Germany.  One of the reasons why I want to return to an expat life, is because I'll have time to write.   And, I'll have some interesting topics to write about again.  All the traveling, all the little mishaps that happen when you are trying to survive in a foreign country...Yes, I hope to return to write more about this world that I had to leave so abruptly.  (Well, we knew we were moving back to the USA after living in Germany for one year, but it just came to a halt and I wasn't ready to return here to the States).

I hope all of you make New Year's resolutions that you can achieve.  My goal for 2012 was to write.  I wish I wrote more, so this year, my goal is to write at least once a week.  Maybe like a weekly column.  And if we DO move to Germany, I will promise myself to write each day.

This year's other resolution:  I hope to keep up running.  Running was something I pleasantly discovered that I enjoyed; or maybe it's a love/hate thing.  I hate when I am in the middle of running and can't wait until it's all over...the constant talking to myself in my head "You can do it.  Just listen to the music and run to the beat.  Oh, there's my neighbor...keep running so she thinks you're working hard and she'll be impressed.  OK, is she really impressed?  You run like a weirdo.  Oh, why is this song on my i-pod???  I have to get this song off- it's starting to annoy me.  Next song... OK, better.  Breathe, Breathe...    OK, so that's myself talking to myself while running.  It's all pretty comical in my head.  And then there's a 3rd personality within me that just laughs at everything Pathetic Me and Running Me say back and forth.  But truly, there's nothing like the feeling after a run.  When everything negative and toxic has been drenched and wrung out, and a clear and healthy mind wait for me, as I cool down and catch my breath;  and later, take a shower.  I imagine all the sweat as the toxic that leaves my body...  I have become addicted to running in a way, and my relationship to running, I guess, can be compared to that of my relationship to writing.  I am always striving to do better, and to not quit.  And when I write, the toxic energy sometimes is released to the paper.  

Dresden, Germany.  Where I lived for one year.  I loved how the buildings seamlessly flow together.  This is  Dresden's main square, where I enjoyed a drink every now and then.  Oh, missing the cafe life, too!

Happy New Year, and I hope all of you have a couple resolutions that you actually look forward to achieving.

2012

2012 is almost over, and what kind of year did we all have?

For me, personally, it was a year of transitions and adjustments.  With a new job, I was faced with lots of difficulties and obstacles with co-workers, and I had to learn to work with people that are different than me;  very strong personalities.   It was a year of frustration, and having to endure with these "setbacks" and having to settle.  After applying for a teaching position at my former school, I was told that Human Resources lost my transfer request, and my request to move schools was denied.  It was such a disappointment for me, since I was having these issues at my new school, and looked at this as my "way out;"  the light at the end of the tunnel.  Always trying to stay positive, I found myself being upset a lot.  It took a long time to find peace with this decision,  or with this HR mistake...Currently, I am in my 2nd year at this new school, and the environment is a lot different for me and I'm making it work.

2012 was also the year of my migraine headaches.  I am so grateful for a neurologist that I see in Clifton Park.  I am now on a preventative pill, and my headaches are much more under control.  What triggers them?  I honestly think it was the stress from work last year.  I am fortunate, because as I write this, my principal is putting in special filter lights in my classroom, to help decrease my migraines (I had to leave school one day this year because I lost vision, then a migraine came on).  I still get them, but not at all in frequency.

2012 was the year I became a runner.  My friend asked me to run a 5 K with her in the Fall, so I decided to give it a try.  I started running seriously in  July, and by September, I was running my first 5K.  I felt so healthy and alive, and I found myself being addicted to running.  Now, however, with winter here and a foot of snow on the ground, I haven't been able to run.  I'm debating on trying to get a treadmill.  I feel so much better, physically and mentally, after running.  It releases so much negative out of me.

2012 was a year of change for my children.  Riley was elected the student council president at his school.  He also raised just over $3,500 for St. Baldrick's, which helps fund research for childhood cancers.  Maggie has become a swimmer and is on a swim team.   She is becoming a very independent and strong 8-year old, and I'm so blessed to have my two children, because they are perfect in every way.

2012 was a year of family reunions.  Tim's parents drove in their RV from Washington State to visit us for 10 days.  Then shortly after, my sister got married, and my mom's side of the family were all in town;  the first time since my Grandmother's death.

2012 also brought a decline in our dog Toga's health.  He now has diabetes, liver problems and heart problems.  He's currently on 3 different medications, and he is declining...It's been a sad sad couple of months, but our vet has convinced us that Toga is a "Miracle Dog," and he is surpassing all her expectations (she had suggested we put him down in September).  Because we knew Toga was on the decline, we decided to rescue a dog named Guppy.  Guppy is a French Bulldog/Boston Terrier mix and he's between 4 and 5 years old.  We brought him home in August, and he is slowly becoming an integral member of our house.  In the beginning, he had many issues (peeing everywhere, bitting issues), but now I'm happy to say that I think Guppy is slowly learning and he is honestly a good dog..now.  Toga will be approaching his 13th birthday this Spring.  I know in 2013, it may be Toga's last year with us...This will be very hard for all of us.  But we are lucky to have this time with him now.

2012 also brought back thoughts to Germany.  My husband is currently applying for a position back in Germany.  We will know soon if we are indeed moving again.  This time, it will be more permanent, and there would not be an end date.  I do miss Europe, and all that it offers.  I find myself bored here a lot.  I get upset at how small my world seems to be again, living in the US.  I want to think more globally again, and I miss walking in squares and plazas, that are filled with history and amazing architecture.  If we are to move, it would be soon.  It would be in February.  So, if this does happen, we will start the beginning of 2013 with having the task of selling our house, and trying to figure out what items to permanently keep, and which ones to sell.  Last time we moved to Germany, our friend Kellie lived in our house, since it was only for a year.  We rented a furnished apartment, so we did not have to ship large items abroad.  It is a daunting task, and one that we are unsure about as of now.

So, I'm ending this blog on a good note.  A note that we could be once again, be living in Germany and part of the European culture again.  It is a time of feeling excitement and uncertainty..This kind of decision will be a difficult one to make;  if Tim is even offered the position...But this ex-expat could once again be an expat...We will have to see what 2013 will bring.

What To Do?

I wouldn't have this blog devoted to being an ex expat, if I didn't totally love the life I had overseas.  So when my husband came home last week from work, and told me his old boss from Germany contacted him, with information on a job position that she thought Tim would be perfect for, discussions once again were revisited, on our decision to move to Germany.  But this time, not on an expat package, but a German contract.

I feel in love with Europe and all of its charm.  And now to be given another chance to live there is a dream come true.  Or is it?  I'm trying to decide.  When we made the decision to move there a year and a half ago, we knew there was a time limit.  We would be living there for one year.  This time around, it could be a forever thing.

Tonight, we talk to our kids about all of this, and we will make a decision as a family.  It's exciting, but scary.

These are the things I worry about:

1. I won't be near family or my friends that live here.
2. What do we do with our house?  Last time, we had our friend live here, because we knew we were coming back.  This time around, we have no idea when we are coming back.  Can I say goodbye to our house?
3. We have an aging dog, that is on 3 medications.  Can he handle the trip back to Germany?
4. Is the Dresden International School going to cut it?  When I was there, I saw lots of pros, but lots of cons too, as a school for my children.  Will my kids be stable and happy throughout this?
5. Will I be happy?  Many of the friends I had there, are living here in NY.  I still have some contacts in Dresden...I know I make friends easily, so maybe this will be fine?
6. Do I want to work at the international school?
7. Can I handle the language gap?  I know I will never speak German fluently, and this bothers me. I hated not having a newspaper to read, or reading signs- all over the place.  How will this impact me?
8. I find comfort that I can speak to my doctors here, and they understand me.  It's always hard to visit the doctors in Dresden.  Will I be able to get migraine medication?  Last time, I brought so much medicine with me.  But now I am on a preventative medication- what if they don't approve of the medicine I have been prescribed?  It is really hard to get prescriptions in Germany...

This is the biggest decision that we will  have to make...

My Daughter Realization Made Me Sad

This weekend, on Friday night, my daughter said something to me, so profound and sad.

It was bedtime, and often at bedtime, my kids  tell me of what is bothering them.  On this night, it was Maggie's turn.  Before walking up the stairs, she looked at me, so innocently, and said, "Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a singer.  But I don't think I can, because I am not skinny enough."

My daughter, Maggie, is 8 years old.

I quickly embraced Maggie and told her she can be anything and do anything.  She melted in my arms and started crying.  My heart was aching.  I hated this so much.  That she has these thoughts already.  That she might have challenges in her teen years, with her weight. That she cares what everyone thinks about her.  

At a young age,  my daughter is already aware of sex in the media.  She sees skinny girls on her TV programs on Disney and Nick.  She sees skinny women in advertisements.  Commercials.  It's everywhere;  the illusion that beautiful and sexy women are the ones that succeed in life.  I am proud to say that Maggie is a bright and intelligent little girl, and brains will get her places.  She is my beautiful daughter, inside and out, and I love her so much.  I wish I could protect her from every ill thought that she has and will have.  

I intend to talk to my daughter, and make sure she knows she's special and beautiful.  I want her to continue growing into a self-confident little girl.  She's amazing.  

That next morning, we were cuddling outside on our porch and Maggie looked at me and said, "I want to be so many things when I grow up.  I can't even decide."  Now, she wants to be an art teacher, a vet, and she wants to own a shoe store in London (not in Paris anymore, because she'll need to learn French).  She also said she still wants to be a singer and songwriter.  I just hope that she knows that she can truly be all of those things.

Quality of Life

"You need to think about Toga's quality of life now,"  I heard the vet tell me.  I fought back tears and heard my voice, brave and calm, as I asked Toga's vet many questions.

We were back at the vet's, since we noticed in a short time that Toga was urinating and drinking almost triple what he normally does.  He was having lots of accidents in our house, which was abnormal for him.  I knew diabetes was common in aging dogs, and he had all the symptoms.  An hour after being at our vet's, it was indeed confirmed he had diabetes.  Because of his already existing heart, liver and kidney issues, the vet was warning me about "something," since she kept talking about his quality of life. 

I quietly asked my two children to wait for me in the waiting room.  All of my courage and bravery left me, when the children left.  I looked at the vet, and I couldn't even muster the words.  I began crying profusely.  I was the saddest I've been in a long time, sitting in that vet's office, trying to hear her words.   Because Toga is already on a heart and liver medication, adding insulin may make him depressed, more sick...  "Are you telling me that Toga is on the decline?"  I asked the vet, through tears.

"Yes,  that's what I am telling you."

Oh boy.  I started crying again. 

She told me that I should have two jars:  A Good Day Jar and A Bad Day Jar.  At the end of each day, place a penny in the kind of day he had.  She said when Toga has more bad days than good days, then we will know. 

So, I sadly look at Toga these days, knowing that his days with us are numbered.  He has trouble breathing at times, and pants more.  He is still having many accidents in our house, and we go back tomorrow to the vet's so she can monitor his insulin levels.  We are starting to crate him when we leave the house; something we never did, even when he was a puppy. 

Last night while we were sleeping, Toga rested his head next to mine;  cheek to cheek.  While  he was sleeping, I felt his poor heart racing, trying to beat to a rhythm, but so out of control.  I petted his face, and he didn't even stir.  He was soundly sleeping.  I hope this was a good day for him. 

Yesterday, I pulled into our driveway and saw Toga laying on the front yard.  Once I pulled in, he chased my car down the driveway.  I thought to myself in that instant, "Thank  God."  Because if he didn't chase me down the driveway...  I can't even end that sentence.  Because he's so happy to see me, and if it gets to a point when he's not happy to see me, I know that he's so sick.... 

The last week has been hard.  I'm seeing my little buddy lose more and more of his spirit and energy.  I just hope he knows how much we all love and care for him.

16 Years

Tim and I, in London
The Abbey

Last weekend, I celebrated my 16th wedding anniversary with my husband, Tim.  It seems like yesterday when we first met in a dive establishment in my hometown.  I fell in love with Tim so fast and I knew he was the one.  Everyone says, "You just know," and I never understoodthat, until when I felt that with Tim.  "I knew" with Tim, that he was the one.  


Tim proposed to me almost a year after we met, and we were married six months later.  


In the sixteen years we have been  married, we have lived in four states and in a foreign country, we have had 2 children, have been through our share of ups and downs.  And through all the changes, Tim and I have remained committed to one another, even though we have had all these changes.


16 years is a long time.  It's the age of a young adult.  Someone who can drive.  Wow, there's days when I feel like I AM 16 years old!!   Where did all these years go?


I asked Tim on our anniversary, "Why do you love me."  And his answer was simple- "I just like hanging out with you."  I think after 16 years, you HAVE to enjoy hanging out with your spouse, because friendship is the foundation to any marriage.  We love hanging out with each other.  Tim is my best friend.  I would rather hang with him than anybody else, and that's why our marriage works.


This is what else I have learned about marriage:

• Marriage is about compromising.  Sometimes it's me compromising, and sometimes it's Tim.  
• Tim and I share the same belief about many things.  We have the same philosophy about parenting, money, and even interior design.  The only things we disagree about our where we want to vacation.  I prefer the beach and ocean, and he likes a quiet lake.  BUT, that's where we have to compromise.
• We never go to bed mad.  My grandmother gave me that advice, and it's the best advice.  
• A sense of humor.  Tim and I have lots of fun together.  We like to laugh with each other and with our kids.  
• Date night.  You really need to have alone time.  Once the kids came, we got so busy with them and their activities.  If you have happy parents, you'll have happy kids.  I have learned to put Tim and I first;  sometimes the kids need to take a backseat.  
• Marriage is about teamwork.  We both  help out around the house.  "Choreplay."
• Marriage is not always a fairy tale.  You go through rough times.  We were 26 and 25 when we got married.  We have both changed in those years, and we had to learn to apply our personal changes to our marriage.  Adapting to all the changes, and growing together as a couple is really important.   
• Kids can change a marriage.  When we had our first child, we had been married for  7 years.  It was a huge adjustment.  Learning our roles as husband-wife, and now as a mother-father to our children and what those new roles were took time.  
• Communication, communication.  You need to talk to  your spouse about your wants, needs and worries.  Tim is not a mind reader, but he's good at knowing when I am upset or worried about something.  He is a good listener, as I am with him too.  This year has been extremely challenging for us, with both of our work situations;  Tim working long hours, and me at a new school, but we always make it a priority to ask each other about our days.  It sounds so 1950's:  "How was your day, honey?"  But, it's good to talk about your day.  

I feel very lucky to still be in love with my husband.  I know so many people in the last couple of years who have gone through divorces.  Actually, the day of our anniversary, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced they were divorcing!  In my kindergarten classes each year, less than half of my kids live with both parents.  It's a sad reality.

If you were to ask me what my biggest accomplishments are in my life, at 41 years old, I would tell you that it's my family;  my husband of 16 years, and my 9 and 7 year old children.  These are my accomplishments, because marriage is work, and so is raising two children.  


One of my biggest complements I have received have to do with my marriage.    A teacher friend said to me, "I hope my husband and I are like you and Tim as we get older," (she's a younger teacher, and just married). I don't know if there's such a things as a "perfect marriage," because nothing in life is perfect.  I think a great marriage is deciding as a couple, how to deal with life's misfortunes.  


The night of our anniversary, we decided not to get a babysitter.  We celebrated with our children.  We went out to dinner at the restaurant where our wedding reception was.  After dinner, we took them to the upstairs room, where it was empty from any events.  The kids were excited to hear about our wedding stories. They had lots of questions about our big day.


16 years.  Where does the time go?  Here's to many more.

This blog entry is dedicated to my sister, who is getting married in September.  I'm so happy for you during this special time of planning your wedding.  You have found your man of your dreams.  Here's to many years of compromising and communicating!!!