The moment, Riley, you were born, my life changed at that very second. I was now a mom. Everything was new to me, but I was ready to be the best mom, and make sure you were happy. When you were born, you were born at 9lbs, 9ounces, but when the hospital discharged us, you were down to 8 lbs, 4 ounces, and everyone was worried about you. Apparently, my breast milk wasn't coming out, and you were starving! We tried everything to get my milk to come out, and when you were 2 weeks old, we finally just formula fed you, since my milk was coming. We tried everything, and as a young man, you would laugh at the things we had to do. We were giving you shots of formula milk, we were giving you formula milk from tubes...the doctors didn't want you to get used to a bottle. It was stressful a little, because we just wanted everything to work. And you had the loudest cry when you were hungry!! I used to get nervous, because I didn't know if I was doing everything right. I was always doubting myself. The first 2 weeks of your life felt like 2 years. My doctors were persistent that I not give up, but sometimes your body can't do what you want it to do. I remember always thinking, "What am I doing?" "Am I doing this right?" I know you think this is too much TMI, but I wanted to emphasize that I thought I was already a failing mom. I was already questioning if I was a good enough mom to you. In those early weeks, I felt like I didn't know what I was doing, my body was failing me and I was feeling I wasn't good enough to be your mother. I guess as moms, we are always questioning if we are good enough, but I went through it ten-fold your first weeks.
As you got older, and approached your toddler years, I loved it, and this was, to me, better than when you were babies. You were talking, and your little personalities were coming out. Riley, so shy, especially during our Toddler Music classes with Ms. Renee. You much rather watch and observe, than to participate and have all the attention on yourself. You were my quiet child. Maggie, on the other hand, was my crazy and wild child. When Maggie was 3 years old, at Lynn and Meredith's neighborhood party, you were dancing on top of the Little Tike house, and we knew we would have this free spirit of a child. Although, since entering middle school, you have become more quiet and you like your quiet group of small friends. Which I really like. You don't just follow what everyone else is doing, and you don't feel the pressure of being liked or popular, which is such a grown up way of thinking. I think Middle School can be hard, harder for girls than boys, so seeing you go through these years, confident in who you are, makes me so proud of you. You are so mature.
Riley always had a sense of wonder about him. Always observing the world around him. Maggie was always this dreamy child. I still know that you hear music in your head when you walk, and when you were a toddler, you were always humming and talking to yourself. Riley always had a plan and a project going on. Whether when it was when you were a toddler, and you were organizing your bikes along the driveway, or writing a neighborhood newspaper, you always had something going on. Maggie, always behind you, ready to help you.
Being a mom has always been my number one job. I always wanted to be there for you both. I wanted to teach you about the world, about compassion, about helping others, about working hard to attain your goals. You both amaze me with how smart you both are. Being on the Principal's List for every semester (you both) since middle school. That is such a hard thing to do. When I was your age, I used to study so much, only to get 80's. It means the world to me that you are these bright, gifted children. It is something I count my blessings for.
I hope you both know how much I love you, and how proud I am of both of you, and the young people you are becoming. You both can be anything you want. You both have done so much at such tender ages.
Before I go to bed every night, as a way to get relaxed, I talk to myself about all that I am grateful for. Our family is always at the top, and the first thing I think. We are so lucky and blessed to have our family. We always have a great time together, and we can love one another freely and without any reservations. You all mean the world to me. I just hope that when you both become adults, our relationship will stay bonded and strong. I know both of you are going places, and you may not stay in Ballston Spa. Despite the miles that may be between us, I hope we are always close. They say that when your children become adults, they become your best friends, and I look forward to that day. Even though, I know I feel it now. I love you both so much, and thanks for making Mother's Day everyday.
Love,
Mom
Thanks
ReplyDelete